


Whether Love Remains

by alice_dualswordlesbian



Series: Trans!Sayo [1]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Internalised Transphobia, Trans Female Character, background yukilisa and akorinko, mentions of hina and tomoe, trans headcanon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 20:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17087393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alice_dualswordlesbian/pseuds/alice_dualswordlesbian
Summary: (cw: internalised transphobia and social trans-related fears)An innocent situation forces Sayo to come face-to-face with one of her worst nightmares.





	Whether Love Remains

“A girl’s night!”

It was taking Sayo a while for the meaning of those words to sink in, but the conversation maintained itself for the time being. Practice having ended, each member of Roselia turned to face Lisa as they sat at the table.

“...A what?,” said Sayo.

“Y’know, a sleepover~!”

“We get to have a sleepover?!” Ako was practically rocketing off of her seat at the idea, predictably. 

“Hold it,” replied Yukina. “Lisa. What’s the reasoning behind this, exactly?”

“Jeez, you make it sound like I have some kind of plot. I mean what I mean; we’ve never actually had some kind of fun stuff to do as a group before, right? This is a good time!”

“...That is technically a plot.” Lisa huffed, but it was pretty much impossible for her to be grouchy for more than half a second. Especially not when Yukina was smiling.

“Let’s do it!” Ako slammed both her hands on the table, her eyes alight; “We’ve just come off of a big concert live, so it’s okay, right?! I really wanna have a Roselia sleepover!”

“...Where would we have it though, Ako?” asked Rinko, somehow managing to seem smaller than her friend despite having at least eight inches over her. “I’m… pretty sure your family would find it a lot noisier with five of us compared to just two…”

“We can have it at my place!” Lisa winked, as if she was expecting this. “Parents’re out tomorrow and they gave me permission, so the house is free. I’ve always wanted to show me and Yukina’s balconies to everyone at some point, anyway.”

...it was starting to sink in.

Panic. Panic panic panic panic panic. God, oh god, this was going to happen. It was finally over.

Far be it from Sayo to normally catastrophize; she knew the importance of weighing your options calmly, and taking your actions confidently. Keep practicing guitar. Make sure your face is clean. Regulate the rush of thoughts in your mind. Make sure the cookie dough is in a satisfactory shape. Try to talk to your sister more. Don’t hesitate to speak your mind.

...Don’t hesitate to speak your mind.

But, this. Sayo never thought she’d see the day where she ended up in a situation like this.

A sleepover with the rest of Roselia. Take Sayo a few months back, and she would’ve been far from keen on the idea; it was a distraction from what was important, or an obstacle even. But her doubts about her skill didn’t plague her as much as they used to, and her world was larger than it used to be. Besides, Lisa had a habit of worming her way into everyone’s hearts.

In fact, Roselia had opened up her heart in ways she hadn’t allowed to happen before. It wasn’t until Roselia that she had friends to accompany for shopping, or meet in school, or discuss and practice in earnest with, no reservations on the table. She treasured them. She’d honestly probably be fine with the idea of a sleepover with them now, so long as they got to sleep at the proper time and didn’t cause too much of a mess. To her chagrin, she would probably admit to enjoying it halfway through. Maybe even if it got messy. Possibly.

But make no mistake, she was still terrified by the idea, and she knew exactly why. She’d never been in a ‘slumber party’ before, so to speak, and for good reason; that way, nobody would know just what kind of ‘girl’ she was. She’d never have to deal with the fear of being outed if she just kept her distance. Unfortunately, the fact that bonding with Roselia opened the gateway to this possibility, courtesy of giving her a friend group full of girls, was not something Sayo had anticipated.

She really wished she did, now.

“...Do your online gaming sessions count as sleepovers, Ako?”

“Whaaaaaaaaaa-”

“Um… we’ve had proper sleepovers before, actually…” Rinko gracefully cut in before Ako could fully reel from Yukina’s devastating attack. “...though a lot of them do just involve gaming…”

“Don’t stay up too late when you have those. You’ll concern your sister at this rate, Ako.”

“Why am I the only one getting bullied here?! I don’t game past midnight on my own, only with Rinrin!”

“So you admit to it~... naughty Ako.” Ako’s face visually expressed the word ‘urk’ right as Lisa responded. “I can’t believe you’d suss out Rinko like that too, though! Unbelievable…”

The sight of Ako receding into her chair as Rinko awkwardly laughed was a welcome distraction from Sayo’s thoughts; she absolutely did NOT want to be dealing with the talk that’d be coming up.

But unfortunately, she realised too late that she’d said too little in this conversation too far.

“And what about you, Sayo?”

“...Huh?”

Sayo was whisked right away from her internal meltdown, meeting only a pair of sharp amber eyes.

“It’s rare for you to be lost in thought. You’ve at least been keeping track of what’s being proposed, yes?”

“...Yes. And I’m afraid, Ako, that I’m going to be having a word with a sister about some of your behaviours soon,” Sayo replied, trying to get back up to speed in the conversation. 

She tried to distract herself by watching Ako continue to sink under the table, but her thoughts wouldn’t stop besieging her. What was she going to do? She didn’t have much time to decide. Should she come clean about herself and let them have their fun without her, or reject them and potentially make them feel too awkward to do it?

“You’d besiege the eternal necromancer with yet another enemy force, Yukina… how could you…”

...She could simply just accept the offer while continuing to hide her secret. But for some reason, the idea of that made Sayo feel sick. It felt like doing so would be putting her friends in danger, like she would be hiding something her friends deserved to be aware of. She couldn’t really tell why; it was just a gut feeling. And though she usually didn’t like operating based on intuition (considering the NUMEROUS flaws of doing so), she felt no particular motivation to try and defy this one.

“Grim and bear with it.” Yukina rose from the table; “That being said, I’m fine with Lisa’s proposition if you all are. You’re all ok with participating, correct?”

“Aye~! ...This isn’t the kind of thing that requires a serious vote, Yukina.”

It was the kind of social situation Sayo wished she’d never find herself in, because it’s exactly the sort that she feels too uncomfortable to be a part of. In these contexts, she can’t help but think of herself as some kind of intruder.

“The queen of darkness says aye!”

She didn’t want to reject them, in all honesty. If they didn’t want to have a sleepover without her, they’d stop if she said no; and as much as Ako accuses her of it sometimes, she doesn’t want to ruin their fun.

“I’d… also like to, if that’s ok…”

But Sayo knew there was no way she’d be accepted for the sleepover if Roselia knew what she was hiding. The only choice she’d allow herself would be to agree with their offer, but it was going to require finally extending her secret beyond the Hikawa household.

Screaming on the inside, she could feel her nerves prick as the eyes of Roselia centered in on the only person yet to speak. 

“Sayo?”

“Sayooooooooooooooo! Pleaaaase?”

She could feel a bead of cold sweat on her face; what was her expression from their point of view, right now? Panicked? Dismayed?

No matter; she had to save a little face, at least. The last thing she wanted right now was for Roselia to worry about her, when she wasn’t in a state to explain anything.

“...Do you all promise that we won’t be staying up past midnight? Not making too huge a ruckus, I presume?” She took particular care to gaze upon Roselia’s resident nerds as she established the criteria. 

“I-I promise! Please, Sayo, we gotta! Pleaaaaaaaaaaaase?”

She couldn’t delay the inevitable, no matter how much she wanted to.

...Here goes nothing, then.

“Then that’s fine. I don’t mind this event.”

The majority expression on the table was a smile.

\---

5:40pm.

She wished she’d told them right then and there.

Sure, she was in no state to, after how suddenly it had been arranged, but that didn’t change the reality of the situation. Yukina could’ve put at least a little resistance up alongside her like they usually do, but she hadn’t even been granted that luxury this time. Sayo’s phone shook slightly in her hands.

Lisa had texted them the location of her house, and she was pretty confident she wouldn’t get lost finding it. All she had to do if she wanted to get there on time was suck it up, grab her bag, stuff it with some suitably cute pyjamas and anything else from her barren room, and set out 5 minutes from now.

And yet time was ticking, and Sayo wasn’t moving. She couldn’t move. She sat there, right in her room, having prepared nothing at all yet. Not budging an inch beyond the wobbling her hands were already doing.

As if this situation hadn’t just barged in on her life enough already, there wasn’t even Hina’s jolly voice to distract her while the clock ticked in the Hikawa household. It was just her and the low-brightness screen in front of her, displaying the LINE chat for the band. Lisa’s parade of unironic emojis were the latest message on the log, displaying a pure and joyful excitement for everyone else to arrive. Her selfie with Yukina was plastered right above it, cat whiskers and hearts scattered across the edges as Lisa’s cheeky grin lined adjacent to a distracted Yukina, mouth half full of cookies.

An image of a cat with sparkling eyes accompanied a notification tone, sent by Rinko.

‘The queen of necromantic sorcery will stride her carpet of magic down upon your humble abode, before you even deign to notice!’ Another notification tone. Rinko’s phone sent this one too, but it was pretty clear whose hands typed it. Possibly with Rinko’s help.

Suddenly, the screen turned blurry. Wait, no; everything around the screen was blurring too. Blinking, Sayo took a solemn notice of the tears making their gradual descent down her cheeks.

…

6:00pm. Sayo’s going to be late if she goes now.

It was only a few tears, but she’d dried them anyway. Tissue discarded into the bin, Sayo took deep breaths. In and out. 

Roselia wouldn’t resent her at all if she suddenly wasn’t able to make it; they were too kind for that, too warm. Too suddenly and unendingly loving sometimes, in contrast to their sharpened concentration during their music. Sayo could end the entire event now, and they’d just smile at her the next day again after practice had ended.

If it was just because she was concerned about her own music skill, she probably would’ve done it, too. But this was a conflict of identity, not one of ability. She looked up at the growing world around her, everything that had been planted around her since Roselia’s beginning, and she didn’t want to leave it. Any dissolution, any conflict, any ending to her contact with a friend group, be it bitter or silent, would’ve just been another addition to the already long pile of losses, if you just went back a year. But now, the thought of pushing herself out again, pushing herself away again, just… just…

…

6:15pm. Even if she ran as fast as she could, she’ll be late if she goes now.

It was only a few tears, but she’d dried them anyway. Tissue discarded into the bin, Sayo sat back on her bed again. There was no need for deep breathing.

She wanted, more than anything, to continue this. She loved the place in this garden she’d found, the one that the loving air around her had helped her find. But when she lets her hands skim the petals of the flowers around her, will they suddenly wilt? Will every blade of grass, every stem and bud, shrivel away after they take a closer look upon who has entered their abode?

She couldn’t stay in this garden any longer while trying to curl herself in; the vines had grown too long, the greenery had risen too far. Inevitably, if she didn’t make contact with them now, she would later. One way or another, the bed will dry up, and the land Sayo calls her home will be empty once more. Nothing will remain, barring maybe a few delphiniums of blue. Soon enough, nothing will be able to take in what water is left.

...6:25pm. A message pops up in the chat; Sayo’s pretty sure she sees her name in it.

If the garden was going to dry up, she may as well make it happen now. There was no need to delay the aching, the loss, when her band deserved better.

Swallowing her fear, Sayo Hikawa took one last leap; one last action carried with complete confidence.

A bubble of green lit the screen, draping the flora.

\---

Sayo never thought that, of all the things that could burn themselves into her mind, one would end up being just a single message she sent on her phone. 

Even with her eyes closed, her knees drawn in and her phone thrown out, she could see all of it. The lengthy size of the message. The completely perfect grammar, as if it were a formal letter, and the perfect absence of hesitation, true to the principles she held dear. A paragraph of apology, a paragraph of awkward and blunted truth, displaying only what Sayo Hikawa considers herself to be; as much of a girl as an ugly duckling could be a swan when it came to reality rather than fairytale… one that most of the world would irrevocably consider to be a boy, instead. 

Finally, a wish that they enjoy their evening and their companionship without her. And, beyond that text now, the moisture lining the arms pressed against her face.

…

A notification tone. Sayo had expected this.

It’s easy to be overly optimistic or pessimistic about who’ll accept you. Sayo was not oblivious to her loving family or the benevolent figures who let her into Hanasakigawa, and she wasn’t about to assume that all of them actually accepted her fully for who she was, either. Nor was she about to overestimate the willingness of those who surrounded her to bear with her or understand her, no matter how complex or kind they may be as other human beings.

That’s why she knew that the message in the group chat was, statistically speaking, far more likely to be one of rejection. That’s why she knew that the flowers she gazed upon, no matter how beautiful, and caring, and loving and dazzling they were, were probably going to wilt at her touch. She knew what was about to happen.

So she didn’t need to cry, or yell, or express any frustration at what was about to happen to her world. Sayo could open her eyes, accepting of the outcome she had predicted, and at the very least be satisfied with the knowledge that she had stuck to her promise to be honest. That’s something she could live with, even if she ends up all alone at the end, not a blade of grass in sight. So long as she was true to herself, being alone was fine. Being alone was fine.

Being alone was fine.

...

So, she dried her tears, and opened her eyes.

The first thing that she noticed was that it was 6:30pm; the time when the sleepover was supposed to start. Sayo had already probably killed the lively, joyous, happy and expressive atmosphere everyone had made for each other tonight, even though she tried her very best to be forthright as early as possible.

But then, the second thing she noticed was that the notification tone was repeating itself.

A whole flood of messages had been released down the chat log over the past 2 minutes. With an audible gulp…. Sayo removed her fixation on the timestamps... and looked to the text.

It took two seconds after reading the log before her eyes opened wide at what she was seeing. It took two seconds after that for tears to start welling up at her eyes. Another two, and she was crying. 

Sayo grabbed the stupid bag, grabbed the wrinkly pyjamas, grabbed anything else that seemed like it could be relevant and hurtled herself downstairs. Sayo hastily tied her shoes, hastily bolted out of the door… and hastily rushed back 2 metres after, making sure she had locked it. Hastily. 

Rushing through the street, Sayo wanted to yell. Every stupid heart-with-swirling-stars emoji rushed through her head. Every stupid repeated message of ‘we love you’, some with their own unique grammatical flair, every stupid invitation to come on over, rushed through her head. That stupid sparkly text-made emote from Rinko, of all people, and that stupidly, stupidly curt and to-the-point reaffirmation from Yukina, of all people. No, only Yukina could give a reply that was so stupidly brief in its acceptance. Every stupid thing that implied that nothing had actually changed all that much, that every flower in the garden was still right there, that nary a vine or blade of grass had actually wilted at her touch. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

A pair of houses, whose adjacent balconies gazed over at each other, gazed in turn at Sayo through her blurred vision. A whir of purple had just disappeared from a window. A light threw itself on behind the door. Suddenly, she stopped.

Deep breaths, in and out. Sayo dried her tears. She stood up straight. She adjusted her collar, walked up to the door and rang the bell with no hesitation.

Footsteps thundered. It only took 2 seconds for the door to open.

“Sayo!”

Standing on the other side of the doorway were the same four figures she’d come to know and love. The same four she’d talked with, practiced with, played with and grown with. Roselia gazed right at their guitarist, and all she could do was gaze back.

Realising that she should probably say something, Sayo… choked on her words. Adjusting her collar once more, standing up straight and looking at her bandmates… no, friends, head on, Sayo tried to open her mouth again.

“Th-”

That was as far as she made it. The tears flew out again, despite her best protest. Rigid as a statue, Sayo sniffed. Then, she started to cry. And she knew that there was no stopping it this time.

Sayo stepped through the doorway. Before she realised it, she’d fallen right into Lisa’s arms. Before she realised it, Ako was tackling her from the side. It was right there and then that she realised she had no reason to quell her sobbing.

“T-thank you… thank you…” she looked up through watery eyes, and saw a pair of smiling faces behind Lisa’s back. Ako carried her million-megawatt smile right up to them both, and took them by the hand, rushing them awkwardly over for one big group hug.

“Thank you… thank you… thank you…” Warmth. Kindness. Happiness. Liveliness. Joyousness. At this one moment, Sayo felt like she had been allowed to melt into it all.

“Thank you… so much…”

\---

“Me too!”

Sayo blinked, staring down at the red-eyed fool beneath her, who was jumping up and down on the cat-patterned rug. “Huh?” 

“Everyone thought I was a boy growing up! It’s only thanks to mom, and dad, and big sis and Rinrin that I got to go to Haneoka!”

“She told us before you did, Sayo.” Sayo whipped her head around to find Yukina completely engrossed into a cave of pillows, sipping at a mug of hot chocolate. Sayo didn’t know what was more distracting to her; the idea that there was another trans girl in Roselia and she’d never realised, the image of serious and confident Yukina gleefully taking comfort in a pillow fort, or-

“Hold on a second. Why didn’t you tell me, Ako?”

“Uh… sorry. It felt kind of hard to talk to you even during our breaks, y’know?”

“...What do you mean? I would have been perfectly happy to listen.”

“...Uuuuuu…”

Sayo sighed, but she understood. Considering her reactions to Lisa and Yukina’s sneaked-in kisses before and after practice, and her general no-nonsense attitude, it would make sense that she might give off the image of a… less tolerant person.

The irony of that image made her chuckle. Then it made her laugh.

“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean I was implying anything like that, and- oh wait, you’re not crying. Am I in the clear?”

“Yes, yes, you’re fine, Ako.” It was comforting, at least, to laugh about all of this. Perhaps the situation she found herself in was karmic retribution. Karmic retribution to calling Yukina and Lisa ‘scandalous’, somehow.

“In any case,” said Lisa, as she jumped right off of the couch; “this means that you’re welcome to all the same help that I give to Ako!”

“Help?” Sayo knew what she might be implying; she’d made sure to gather plenty of experience with feminine presentation herself, but...

“If you ever feel down about your appearance, I can give you any of the sagely makeup or clothing advice you’d like! Or reassurance,” she said, grinning, “but I’m planning on doing that anyway, you first-rate queen.”

She sputtered on air at the compliment, corny as it was. “...Thank you, Lisa. I’ll make sure to consider it.” That was apparently enough affirmation from her in Lisa’s eyes, as her eyes gleamed right up. 

“Oh!” The face next to Lisa popped into view. “If it’d help…” Rinko started, “...I can resize some outfits that aren’t fitting you too well. I-it’s what I’ve done for Ako, for a while now.”

“And she’s great at it!” Ako shot into view again, firmly pressing herself against her friend and infecting her with the maliciously dorky grin on her face; “Rinrin’s amazing at sewing! She’s a miracle worker!”

“I-I’m… not that great…”

“Rinko…” Honestly, Sayo was kind of overwhelmed by the offer. “You don’t have to put in that much effort for my sake. I’ve struggled with a lot of clothes, but I can still try and make the best of what I have.”

Rinko shook her head. “It’s okay, I don’t mind helping you with a couple… I’d be happy if it made you feel more comfortable.” Sayo wanted to insist, but seeing that soft smile kind of made it too hard to. God, this was too much.

“...Thank you.” She was aware of the blush plastered on her face, covering it with one hand… but, looking at the smiles of all her friends, she figured. This wasn’t so bad. In fact, this was the opposite of what she was expecting an hour ago.

It felt warm.

\---

“Ako! Don’t cause a ruckus with the pillows!”

“Ack!” Ako’s forward momentum skidded to a halt. Gazing at Lisa’s perfect catch and swift reprimand, she looked like a student who’d just been caught sending paper airplanes in the middle of class. Sayo was glad that nobody else was feeling rowdy enough to humour her pillow fight antics.

“Sorry, Lisa- HUGGMGMGH!”

Or, so she thought. But Ako had just eaten a square of synthetic and cotton right in her face.

“Hahaha!” Oh no, Lisa was smiling. This wasn’t good. “You fell right for my trap, Ako.” 

“Thfat wwfas low!” Ako removed the offender from her face, chucking it to her side, trying and failing to contort her face into a sufficiently intimidating snarl. “You dare challenge the-”

“You’re still open!” Good lord, Lisa had just thrown another. But this pillow was deflected by its orangier, dog-patterned cousin, its wielder none other than Rinko Shirokane. Oh, god. Why was she smiling too?!

“Rinrin!”

“So, you’re planning a two-on-one? Suits me!” The intensity of her grin made it feel like she had some kind of status as a pillow fighting champion to uphold. Suddenly, the Lisa of two hours ago gently guiding Sayo on her (and Yukina’s) choice of dresses, upholdent of purity, felt like a dream.

“What a fearsome beast… it appears I’m not the only fighter here with hidden abilities! But no matter!” Ako corrected her earlier mistake by picking up the first object thrown at her, doing her best to pull off some kind of pillow-slinging warrior duo image with Rinko. “Have at you!”

Sayo desperately tried to intervene! “What are you all doing?! We’re making a mess of this room!” 

But alas, no luck. “You’ve forgotten, Sayo~; this is MY room. I can make as much a mess of it as I please!” 

The resulting chaos of awkwardly slinged pillows pretty quickly plunged Yukina in, too, as she was unwilling to take a misaimed Ako-thrown cushion without any retaliation. All hope was seeming lost for the promise of a peaceful nighttime.

“My fellow wielder of magic, assist me!” Before she realized it, a pillow had pressed itself right against her chest, nearly toppling her over. Sayo looked to find the culprit, but instead she found herself right in the middle of the festivities.

...Screw it. If they wanted chaos, they’d get chaos.

Eventually, the fighting died down, leaving a wake of dumb laughter, collapsing and relieved sighing as Roselia’s collective stamina (minus Ako and, horrifyingly, Rinko) wore itself out. Their battle was of bands, not of bedrooms; this kind of warfare was not their forte.

Though she wanted to just sit here and relish in the moment, it was also important that the crew gets their sleep at a semi-reasonable time, at least; and it was clear Yukina wasn’t going to officiate that, not while she was giggling like a kid. Interrupting Ako and Rinko’s swerve from pillow dueling into imaginary card-game fighting (at least, that’s what she thought it was; any shout of “Exodia!” from Ako generally indicated such), she got up and flipped the light switch off.

“Ack!”

“Find your beds and get to sleep! We’ve had fun, but we’ve also been up long enough.”

“B-but…” Rinko protested, still gleefully laughing alongside Ako, “I’d just summoned Toadally Awesome… we were going to…”

“Sleep. Now.”

A duet of grumbling (those two goons) and a duet of giggling (Lisa and Yukina) occured in chorus as everyone awkwardly felt their way to their places of slumber. The feeling of this dumb sleepover washed over Sayo like a series of waves, sending her into the clouds beneath. 

...It was nice. It was comfortable. It was fun. She wouldn’t say any of that out loud, for the most part, but this meager event in her life felt like one of the happiest moments within it. 

“...Are you sure you don’t wanna play Dark World versus Toads with us, Sayo?”

“No.” Absolutely not. 

“Are you suuuure you’re sure?”

The fact that Sayo was even considering it was the number one indicator that they should all sleep, now. Lest they lose their minds.

“What’s this? It appears I’ve just found Tomoe’s number on my phone, Ako. I might call her. To discuss... video games.”

“Please don’t!”

“Then sleep.”

“...Damn.”

...

She couldn’t help but chuckle, despite herself. Pressing her face into the side of the futon, she knew one thing for certain. One thing that a night of closeness, a night of dumb laughter and silly conversations, a night of trying on different outfits and accessories, a night of relentless expression, had helped her feel.

She was welcome here. She was loved here.

She mustered one last ball of honesty and sincerity into her throat for the day, before letting the tide take her in completely.

“...Sleep tight.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is a drastically different fic from the first one I uploaded, but I cared a lot about making this one. As evidenced, there's a lot of personal feelings I put into this one, so if the warnings don't accurately cover some of the sensitive content please feel free to comment/message me about it and I'll amend them as such.
> 
> i would die for sayo hikawa and the rest of roselia,,
> 
> (side note: incest shippers do Not interact)


End file.
